-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
These 3D printers are insane!
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.