My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.