I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Stop sending me this shit.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated