“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*