BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.