*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.