[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*