I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
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When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
? 💀
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.