I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
The future is now.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way