Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there