[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Yep.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
it be like that