Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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We need more people like this.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok