Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Breaking news:
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Bless you
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.