Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The A string on my guit_r is flat
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend