I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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lost dog
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Cause of death: Zumba
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat