If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.