NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?