[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
How wrong was this guy?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.