Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
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Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I think this should do it.
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4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
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me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
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Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀