One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
the simulation is moving too fast
(yawn)
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up