I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!