I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Print is alive and well!!!
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My wedding will be open casket.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*