Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”