Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
(Electricians.)
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.