[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.