I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.