People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.