Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.