Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.