In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART