me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.