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Sunday
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me if I was a dog
I am laughing way too hard at this.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.