In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
This might be me.
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.