Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
@funTweeters
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain