<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail