Bit chilly again tonight.
You Might Also Like
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.