(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.