#ParentingFacts
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Just ordered me some pizza!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School