“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube