hmm conte-me mais
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
sir, my pâté if you please
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Saw your ex at the shops
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.