The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
War & Peace
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain