If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
is this how new cars are made??
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My mother’s maiden name is Password.