just make the entire table out of coaster
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday