In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face