Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.