Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Can’t. Being lazy.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
All excellent questions
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.