A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature