What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Oh hi lol
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.