The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Worth remembering.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?