When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Breaking news:
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
OMG 🤣🤣
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.